CHIUSO - Concorso LCB HaHaHa di agosto

LCB August HaHaHa Contest

Win, lose or draw, a laugh a day keeps the color in your cheeks, passion in your heart, sparkle in your eye and the spirit in us all alive and well!



Its’ time to bring some sunshine in da LCB House with laughter! We want to read your funny gambling jokes, stories or your own illustrated comic strip pic like we have here LCB Comics!

There is $500 in LCB Shop Cash up for grabs. Use your LCB Cash to purchase items in the LCB Shop exclusively.

**IMPORTANT** – All personal funny gambling stories must be ORIGINAL content. Copying a story from another source and claiming it as your own is strictly prohibited and any member who does will be disqualified from contest.

Tell us your favorite Casino/Gambling jokes, stories or comic strip illustrations and win:
LCB Shop Cash Prizes:

2 - $25 winners
2 - $15 winners
21 - $10 winners
42 - $5 winners

That adds up to a staggering 67 winning LCB members! Winners will be determined by the LCB team.

To access your LCB Shop Cash find the drop down menu under your name in the top left corner above the header and click “Redeem Credits”. Purchase gifts in our shop with your LCB Shop Cash. It’s as easy as that!



RULES

1. Only ONE entry is allowed per member in EACH category. That means a MAX total of 3 posts are allowed per member – one post for joke, one post for funny casino story and one post for comic strip pic.

2. To qualify for this contest you must be a member for at least one month. In this case only members that have joined on or before July 11th, 2014 are eligible.

3. Any member having more than one account to enter contest will be disqualified.

4. Contest period ends on September 5th, 2014 at 11:59 EST.

5. LCB has the right to end this contest at any time and void all wins should any unforeseen issues arise or abuse is indicated.

6. LCB Cash can ONLY be redeemed in the LCB Shop.

7. Prize money can be redeemed immediately or can be accumulated to save for bigger prizes.

Winners will be announced shortly after end of the contest.

Good luck!

Great contest by the lcb for the month of august..
I really loved the name of the contest..
Thanks lipstic..

Hi lipstick,
I just want to be clear, does only the story need to be original or does the story, comic strip & joke  need to be original?

Regardless, I need to put my thinking cap on.  Great contest.
Thanks LCB! 

Wow, another great contest from LCB
I'm curious and can not wait till the posts are storming in!
Good luck all

Thanks Lips and LCB,sounds like a fun contest!!!

Your personal story needs to be original.

Great idea there are many story and I just need to decide which is the best ... I love your contest and see you in few days with great story

Well i found it quite funny when it happened to me but i hope the LCB jury can see the humour too, so here goes:

I wanted to buy a decent hat for a long time, as i had been walking around with a Heineken party hat -which are freely distributed at some Dutch festivals- for a few months and as they are not made to last, it was already becoming a bit shabby.

As i had a bit of extra money, around a 100,- euro's to spend freely, i thought about buying a decent one or maybe go to the local Casino instead and after a bit of tossing and turning i decided to visit the hat store..

So i came in and asked this nice and distinguished lady for a good hat, similar to the one i was wearing. She said it was a nice hat and it suited me well, and she seemed to mean it, and i replied that i appreciated the compliment, and admittedly also liked the hat, i nevertheless wanted a proper one that would fit me perfectly and was made to withstand certain urban dangers i might be exposed to, such as beer-showers or flying  kamikaze cigarettes in pubs or general bad weather outside, and that i would also like to give my hat to her, as she seemed to like it so much:)

She laughed, and we tried a few models and pretty soon after  found the perfect specimen, and i gladly paid the lady 60,- euro's, and handed her the Heineken hat to keep, which she immediately put on a top shelf behind the counter to display. We said goodbye and as i walked out of the store, good humoured and very happy with my hat,  i also was cheerful about the fact i still had 40,- euro's left, which was unexpected, so i decided to go to the Casino and got myself  a free espresso there, and was prepared to lose so went for the slots immediately, as you all know in most casinos the payout percentages are quite low compared to Online, especially the slots, and Novomatic ones are quite nasty in their variance so and i busted pretty soon, save for my last 2 euro's.

As i was playing i had been eyeballing the roulette-machine: i always like to do a few spins on one of my favorite numbers, mostly 17, and as  i was sitting right next to it, and the slot being quite boring and as such put on autoplay, i could easily follow the sequence of numbers on the billboard, and had noticed that my number hadn't hit for ages, so i already  planned to put my last coin on 17, and as i saw the last few credits diminish, i stood up and put my coin, not really thinking much of it, on 17.

As i saw the ball spinning i got a funny feeling and then i saw the ball falling in the 17 and heard the tune from the bonus round of the exact slot i had been playing, so i looked back and yes, that was my machine and my last few coins there had held on till the bonus round! 

Then came the less cool part of the story: as i had walked away from the roulette machine,
where there were now 320 points which mean 300 to cash and 20 to respin:

2 euro's is good for 10 credits, and as you might know a single number hit is multiplied by 32 so i had 320 credits there, and normally i always do the respin for the back to back shot, and would now normally have done the remaining 20 points, cause i would definitely cash the 300 points (60 euro's) but because i was so surprised about the slot hitting i had forgotten to do it, as soon as i realized i had to respin the roulette, i noticed i was already too late, and this sucked because the 17 DID fall again, which meant i would have won another 128,- euro's...

Luckily the bonus round on the slot paid quite decent as well, and i won around 50,- euro's there, a bit more but i played on to round it off, cashed the lot and went to the register to change, then cheerfully walked out with 110,- euro's, which was ten more then i had started with and now the hat was free!

I walked to the coffeeshop to buy a small bag of weed, and was then exactly back at the 100,- and you can guess what i did with that..

Q. What is the difference between praying in church and praying in a casino?
A. In a casino, you REALLY mean it.

Hi LCBer's,

Well here's my joke submission.......I hope you think its funny, I did! 

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas.  One of the men on that trip won $100,000.  He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home - arriving back 3 a.m. 

He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.  The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole.  He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute.  On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. 

Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.  "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor.  The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you.  He said he'd rather die first."       

okey here we go!!!

my story was fun for me because it happend in the LAPT Medellin when i was playing...
Was a very dificult day and Im almost out in the first 3 hours of toruney my stack was very short and i really need a miracle to go up!! and the miracle appears almost thre times i got AA pre-flop and of course win the 3 times becoming the chip leader of the table and then a guy watching at me give me a curios toy here is the pic of then then i say hey we can play donkeykong who wants my barrels the all table giv me a laught lol :p very fun for me  

You want to know the real difference between Black and White? Go to Vegas and get 2 lbs of White Casino Chips and you wouldn't have enough to catch a taxi out of town. But go to Vegas and get 2 lbs of Black Casino Chips and you can go to Tahiti. And if I ever happened to win me 2 lbs of Black Casino Chips that's exactly where I'm going, to Tahiti for a treat.

Q: Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa?
A: Because of all the cheetahs

Q: What did a blonde from England bring a bag of french fries to a poker game?
A: Someone told her to bring her own chips.

Hehehe funny stuff! 

This is the funniest story I can think of: This happened to me a few months ago when I was playing sngs in my local(mentioned in poker forum) I held qj off suit and raised it naturally I got a few calls and to my absolute delight I flopped the nuts! 8910 rainbow. I of course decided to check to hide my straight got bet into and the other caller folded I smooth called him the next card brung a possible set for him another J He bet quite big I smooth called again then the river came double pairing the board! and I said all in as I was sure he was strong enough to call in my overexcitement and inexperience playing live I had called out of turn(punishable in vegas/serious tournaments) This guy must have been crazy as even though he knew I was strong he pushed it and bet big again I of course said all in(kind of worried at this point! He called me and shows 2 pairs! I win but it was just so funny that he thought his 2 pairs was good there! anyone else would have folded it and knew I was really strong and the funniest part is he got a warning when I called out of turn in my excitement! What was he thinking!?

Here's my cartoon!

Erm...Don't you have to do your own one? As in Original?

Isn't that Stan McMurty's work?

So here's my entry for the joke:

What's the difference between  a slotmachine and a slut?

None! both take in more then is good for your bankroll or health, and if you are lucky you get paid
(or laid) 

lame i know but it had to be an original right?

First of all...


Nice promotion.  Love this site more and more everyday.


Heh.  My story is not so long. But its funny and sad to.

Well, as every day i tryout new casino with no deposite bonus.
In one day i won 500$ from 10 free spins . I was so happy . I even think were i will spend my money.Thanx god i did not quit my job , becouse when i tryed to make payot, the support sayed that the bonus is not valid for Latvia players Good start with bad end


Thanx.

Disregard the question in my joke-post: i now understand only the story has to be original, so maybe just take into consideration i did actually make that one up:)

Here's my third and final entry, the best cartoon i could find, i surely laughed my ass off~!

Think the competition should be improved. Either that or some of the members.

Personal joke.
At least I hope.
I racked my brain hard for it ! 

2 men are speaking together :
- What's your job ?
- I am zoo keeper, i'm in charge of wild animals : lions, tigers, elephants.
And you ?
- It's the same for me. I spend my time with a lot of fishes, also many dangerous sharks.
Sometimes I have something to do with couple of whales.
- Oh. you work in an aquarium ...
- No, I am dealer in a casino !

And here is my story... I am not good writer but I will give my best

... 2006 World cup. Than I was young, I didn't have even 18 years (but don't tell anyone ). I had in my pocket 5 Euros and decide to go to near bookmaker and make bet with that money. I know the man who work in bookmaker and he didn't ask me anything about age and with a lot of laugh he helped me to make a bet ... He give me a coupon and I was looking at specials for match Germany vs Sweden. After a lot of thinking I decide to put my money on red card ... so one red card on match any team and I win ... But there is a problem. When I make this bet I was tell him code. And on my ticket was writing only that code. And that was a wrong code ! I was thinking that I was bet at red card but infact that was missed penalty !? ...

I returned home happy. Looking at the ticket, there was writing code and odd was 11.50 (in decimal) it was strange big odd but I was only kid.

And game is started... Germany lead 1-0 ... than 2-0 .... I remember that game like it was yesterday And in Sweden team was playing Lucic. Defender, big and bold. He was somewhere from Balkan ex Yugoslavia, he had bad temperament and we all hope that he will go crazy and do stupid thing and he did He got two yellow card, than red and he was out. Celebrations could start I was so happy. My first bet and I won. 55 Euros wow a lot of money for a kid After that I just sit waiting for the end to be able to collect my winnings. (still don't know that I was playing on missed penalty) ....

and most important part is coming ... maybe 20 min before the end referee show on the spot... this is penalty for Sweden... Larson take it and send ball over the bar .... I feel bad about him... I was cheering for Sweden ( I wasn't like germany no offense ) ... and I didn;t know that exactly that miss is bring me money

After game I returned to bookmaker. On a front door they start to scream "here is the chapion" ... I was happy, I wasn't be able to hide a big smile on my face ... and I was trying to act cool but you could see in my eyes that I am happiest man on planet And suddenly guy who worked there shout: " Here is the first player ever who predict Missed penalty " ... ?!?!!? ... I was in shock... WTF

... I take my money put in my pocket and walk away. confused... Later I was trying to figure what just happend ... I took the special coupon with all odds and realise: I tell that guy wrong code... and I make bet on missed penalty ... odd on red card was only 4 ...?!

This is my first gambling experience and it was unbelievable... Maybe I spent all my lucky that time and that is why now I can't win anything .. anywhere I hope that you will love this story and also hope that it wasn't a lot of mistake and you will understand story again sorry on bad English and waiting for more story  

Maybe you should re-read the rules post.  Just a suggestion!

What is your post referring to?  What are you trying to convey?

If it is referring to what I am thinking it is, I certainly know that you are inclusive of those members you are suggesting.

Tacky, Tacky, Tacky!

And here is last and certainly not least (I hope) my story.  Enjoy!

The following hysterical situation happened many, many, moons ago when I was a crap dealer at casino XX, in Laughlin, Nevada.  Enjoy!

It was a Saturday night and I had just started my shift (graveyard).  The graveyard shift has to deal with many folks that have gotten drunk earlier with day and/or swing shift.  I pushed in on the crap table I was assigned to in the first base position and went to work.  I had only three players on my end of the crap table and I figured that the rest of my shift would be slow and boring. NOT!

After about three rolls each of the different shooters making their point and then sevening on the next roll, most of the players left the game.  This left only one very drunken man for me to deal to on my end of the game.  When it was his turn to shoot, he would always passed the dice.  Eventually, this man was the only player left at the table.  When the pole offered the dice to the drunken man to shoot he said, he wanted to wait for more players to come and play.  I did not think anything was unusual about this because many people do not like to play craps alone.

The drunken man had been standing at the table about ten minutes or so after all the other players had left and I really expected him to leave very soon.  The casino had quieted down a lot from the time I started my shift so I could hear everyone and everything a lot better.  In the mean time, since we had slowed, so much the boxperson told us, “to take the game down to inside stick,” which this left only two dealers on the table.  We were very happy to oblige the boxperson because it meant more breaks for us.

Suddenly out of nowhere, I heard what sounded like water running.  I looked around to see where the sound was coming from.  I was thinking to myself, where on earth, could water be running from inside the dice pit.  I had also noticed the drunken man was still standing in the same spot but he had since bent over and had his head resting on the rail of the crap table. 

My first thought was he had knocked over his cocktail glass and it was running all over the floor.  I told the other dealer, “to watch my end of the game, I was going to see if that was what happened and if so, was there a big mess for housekeeping to clean up."  After clearing my hands, (a dealer must) I walked around the table to where the man was still standing leaned over.  As I got about a foot or two distance from the man, I saw exactly where the noise was coming from and I was right, there indeed was a big mess.

I could not help but laugh but I covered my mouth so not to draw attention.  Too late, the boxperson walked back over to the crap table and the eye in the sky was calling down to the pit to find out what was happening.  The boxperson asked me, "what I was doing off my base and what the problem was."  So, I just pointed to the drunken man and told him to "look for himself." 

At that point I could not hold it any longer and I was laughing hysterically!  The other dealer on the game looked at me and asked, “what in the world is wrong?”  I tried to stop laughing long enough to tell him that the man had just decided to urinate right under the crap table in front of everyone.  (Well those were not my exact words!)  He then said, "I was just b. s. ing him and to watch his end of the game while he had a look see for himself."  His eyes got a big as silver dollars then he began to laugh uncontrollably.


In the mean time, the eye had called security and immediately there were four security personnel running toward our crap table.  They did not know what was going on just that there was a problem in the dice pit.  When they were told what the problem was, they could hardly keep straight faces.  In fact, one of them could not look back at us because we were still laughing so hard which in turn made him laugh.

Subsequently, Housekeeping was called and they came and cleaned the man’s mess up sanitarily, thank goodness.  Needless to say the man was escorted off to the security office, where he was finger-printed, photographed, and then taken to the edge of the casino property and told "to get and don’t come back!"  The man was very lucky because, back in those days, casino security handled everything, as there were only two police officers for the whole town and the nearest jail was ninety miles away.

I still to this day laugh when I think about the whole incident.  I wondered also if the man ever realized what he had done once he sobered up the next day.  On the other hand, maybe (for his sake) he will never remember because he had gotten so drunk.  Either way, this is an incredibly memorable and true funny ordeal that I experienced and definitely one that I will remember for the rest of my life!

The cartoon is not original and the content is not original.

Surely it is not ok to copy a cartoon and a phrase. Otherwise where is the original thought? Everyone could just copy and paste things.

You should read the bit about copying is strictly prohibited?

If I am wrong I would sincerely apologise, maybe a mod can confirm what is right and wrong.

My gambling story comes from gambling with words and using them in the correct context.

I am an eighth grade reading intervention teacher and 98 percent of my class are second language learners (Spanish primary language) and below reading level.  My students were not doing their reading homework at home, so I decided to get a class set of Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson and read it with them in class.

One day, Alan asked if he could read out loud while I was reading the book.  First he said, ²can I read Treasure IS-Land next? ²

So of course I let him.

He was reading the following passage out loud: 

²The breeze served us admirably. We skimmed before it like a bird, the coast of the island flashing by and the view changing every minute. Soon we were past the high lands and bowling beside low, sandy country, sparsely dotted with dwarf pines, and soon we were beyond that again and had turned the corner of the rocky hill that ends the island on the north.²

When he got to Pines, he read out loud  ²sandy country, sparsely dotted with dwarf Penis (plural by the way)²

Mind you, this was during a classroom visit from our Navy tutors from the U.S.S. Makken, who all started laughing. 

Of course I corrected him, but Alan really did not understand what he had said and why it was funny.

About a week later he comes to me and asks why they were laughing.  I explained to him that he said ²dotted with dwarf penis¢².  He still did not get it.  I told him that I would explain it to him the last day of school.

Like clock work, on the last day of school, he comes in after class and asked me why they were laughing.  I explained to him that he said,  ²the countryside was dotted with short ding a lings.²

He bust out laughing.   

Now whenever he visits me from high school , he always says something in reference to pines on the countryside. 

Like pokergranni suggested read the rules. It is thoroughly explained. Also please refrain from insulting comments. If do not wish to participate in contest that is up to you but insulting members is not cool. 

I am amazed by the variety of contest this site brings...
Surely some innovative minds seating there
I will also enter the contest soon ..

its says to pick a gambling story. so you guys are telling me you never took a gamble with a relationship or friendship by giving and altimatum.  you are gambing these things with words.  some time you win the gamble because the person accepted y our altimatum and sometimes you loose the gamble if the relationship ends.  the rules did not say explicitly gambling with a casino or money. it said a gambling joke, story, or comic. we gamble with different things in our lives everyday besides in a casino.

i read rules and reg.  a few times before posting story. it said gambling jokes, stories, or comics. now i see it says casino/gambling.it didnt say that before

Then I apologise. Not sure I insulted anyone though. Not sure the point of this competition this time, so I'm definitely out.

Sorry once again.

its all crazy funny freakin today here!
but unfortunately I have absolutely no plan things that go on here!
nor I have luck in casinos! looking yes not ... has anyone ever times can with a no deposit bonus, clearing large ??
that would make me even once very interested. or am I really such a bad luck bird ?? as it were doomed to fail ?

The first online gambling Web site opened 10 years ago, paving the way for the hundreds that exist now on the Internet. A review by the government in 2001 estimated the number of online gamblers worldwide at just fewer than five million, with more than $11 billion spent in online casinos[ref].
But does online gambling differ from casino gambling, and what's the appeal of playing at home by yourself instead of in a casino? In this article, we'll see what it's like to gamble online, find out how you pay to play, and discuss the legality of gambling via the Internet.

In 1982 my husband and I went to Vegas for the first time.I had just turned 21 and had never played poker in a casino. So feeling alittle intimidated, I sat down at a table where all the players were men over 50. Right from the start they started treating me like their daughter at home, who didn't know anything about playing poker. After a couple of bad beats, I was getting frustrated and decided to play up the dumb girl from Texas bit. The next hand six players, including me, called a 20 dollar raise before the flop. I flopped a flush draw and an open ended straight draw. Turn card was no help, 4 playeys called the 30 bet, river card missed me completely(of course) but I had enough money to where they would have to think before they called my all-in. The 3 players just checked(?) so right as I was shoving all in I turned to the gentlemen on my right, who was not in the hand , and said (loud enough for the others to hear) "Does a flush beat a straight" to which he shook his head yes. To my surprise they all threw their cards in, congratulating me on a nice hand, to which I replied" Thank you its about time " I played one more hand and then cash in my chips and thanked them for a great game. Winning about $700 dollars. Not a bad day for a young smart Texas girl. gl all  imakin1

Great contest LCB , i will surely publish one of mine stories soon

Well went I pray I MEAN IT, and went I ask GOD answer 

Admin NOTE:

Stolen content from another website!

This member is now disqualified from this and any future LCB contests.

[quoted content removed by Admin]


Zul,

I know someone that has been recovering from a gambling addiction, so I am a bit familiar with your story.  My friend had fooled himself into believing the same thing regarding play money.  But....gambling is gambling, period.  He was told that after one of his meetings at  G.A. (Gamblers Anonymous).  He said they paralleled it to an Alcoholic believing they can drink just one drink.  NO....it just doesn't work.

I am really surprised you had access to so much extra money that was supposed to go for your educational needs.  Wow, things must have changed since I was in college.  I barely had any money left after paying tuition and text books.  You said you were a math major?  Maybe you hadn't learned probabilities and odds yet.  But, addiction can affect anyone and your kind of the proof in the puddin', so to speak. 

Your story really touched my heart, due to my friend's struggle so I sincerely wish you much success in your recovery.  Its tough at first, but my friend told me as each day passes it gets a little bit easier not to have constant thoughts about gambling.  Stay strong young man!

Wishing You Much Success,
Pokergranni 

I don't know if anyone has ever done this, but I personally have. It is kind of sad not funny but if you have been there then you know its funny. I live about five hours from any good casinos, so I travel up to the thunder valley casino Friday evening. It was me and a few friends. I got into an argument with my husband and without my knowledge he called our credit/debit card in lost or stolen. On the way any cash I had went towards gas and food. when we get to the casino I have no cash on me, but no problem I'm going to stop at the ATM. I guess you can imagine how embarrassed and upset I was when it would not accept my card, I try calling the bank but because it was early Saturday morning there was not a live operator I could speak with, My friends are all gambling at this point and I was very upset that not one of them would lend my 100 dollars until we got back so I could get it straightened out with my bank. I in no uncertain terms let them know that I was not going to give any of them a ride back unless they paid me. And if they didn't pay me very quickly that i felt no need to wait for them because i was not able to gamble so why should i stay. Needless to say they finally broke loose with some money i believe i got 39 dollars out of three of them. I don't think that they will be asking me to take them again any time soon.

Hang in there Zul, every gambler has had dark moments, and if they say they haven't they are lying. I know its hard now but it will get easier day by day.
gl all
imakin1

Heres my joke

After a long month of hard work, three friends decided to take their girlfriends on a week-long vacation in Las Vegas to have some fun in the casinos. The couples had a blast and the week flew by. When they arrived back home the friends got together for a drink and reminisced about the trip.
The first friend said, “I hate it! My girlfriend played craps all week and now all she does is swing her arms and yell ’7 come 11′ all night. I haven’t had a good night sleep in days!”
The second buddy  says, “I know exactly what you’re going through, my girlfriend played blackjack and now she just bangs the bed all night and shouts ‘hit me light or hit me hard’, and I can’t get any sleep either!”
The third guy, who looks both sore and tired, says, “That’s nothing compared to what I’m going through! My girlfriend played the slots and every morning I wake up with a sore stick and an  ass full of dimes!

Heres my cartoon strip which was designed by my 12 year old so a complete original 

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

LOL!!

Q.What is the difference between gambling and marriage.

A. Only gambling will last ''until death do us part'' 

This isn't really a joke...but it should have been.

My husband and I went to Las Vegas for my 40th birthday. 

I had won a couple hundred dollars and went to the cashier to cash in my ticket.  I handed my ticket and the man asked for my ID!????!  I laughed and said....yeah right.  With a straight face, he asked again.  Ummm... I would have to be 17 since gambling is legal at 18. 

I handed my license and as he was looking very closely, I leaned way back (so he couldn't see the fine lines.. ie: wrinkles!...)  He apologized profusely saying he thought I was much younger.  As if that needed an apology. 

I walked with a bit of a sway in my step the rest of the trip.  The man who thought he was insulting made my day.

We were invited to a VIP party for that night.  We passed... it ended up being the party for Nicky Hilton's secret wedding.    I had shopped earlier on the same clothing rack with Paris Hilton.  I thought about having my husband snap a secret photo (for my kids) but realized they really wouldn't give 2 hoots about it.  They didn't. 

This is just a side joke. Hope it does not offend.. nothing to do with gambling.

Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.  I guess they don't like strangers coming to their door.